Birthday Wishes

“On the night you were born, the moon smiled with such wonder that the stars peeked in to see you and the night whispered, “Life will never be the same.” Because there had never been anyone like you ever in the world.”

             On the Night You Were Born by Nancy Tillman, was the first book I read to my grandson, Malachi. I sat by his isolette daily reading to him and when I was able to, hold his tiny little hand in mine. This strong little warrior was born into this world weighing just over one pound. His determination and sheer stubbornness to survive, taught our family priceless lessons that we will hold close to our hearts forever.

Today would have been Malachi’s second birthday. I try to imagine his little face at two, what his little personality could have been like. It would be so easy to focus on all my thoughts on regrets, all the would-have-beens and mourn their loss. I want to celebrate his life today.

In the coming months, my family will be growing. I am adding a daughter-in law and a new grandbaby, a little boy. As I thought about these great changes, my heart was sadden at the thought that Malachi would not be here to be part this crazy chaos I call family. But this past week, I was gently reminded, in a way that only an innocent child can by my sweet Emma, Malachi’s older sister, that he will be here, just not in the way we want.

Emma had found three tiny onesies that I had bought for our soon to be grandson and asked me, “Nana, are these for Malachi?”

"No, they are for Aunt Jessie’s new baby. I am going to write on them.”

Emma paused for a moment and held up the onesie covered in little stars, “I know what we could write on this one. Malachi’s Best Friend, because they are!”

Tears filled my eyes and my heart caught in my throat, “I think that is a great idea, sweetpea.”

Images flooded my mind of two dark haired little boys in heaven, chasing after frogs, climbing trees, and getting into whatever mischief is available where they are. Yes, these two are best friends.

Emma’s simple thought that focused on the joy instead of the sadness encouraged me to think the same way.  So today I will remember the joy that Malachi brought to my family. The gift of his little life that changed so many. Our lives will never be the same because there has never been anyone like you ever in the world.  I love you, my sweet little angel.

Mother Bear

The author N.K. Jemisin once said, “There is no greater warrior than a mother protecting her child.”    

It does not matter how old children are, mothers will fearlessly face down their children’s foes and skillfully deliver the kind of retribution that only a mother can. Deep inside each of us lies a creature of savage fierceness. The Mother bear. Do not mess with her cubs. You bait her, and you will crawl away mangled and bloody. It is never wise to engage a Mother bear who is protecting her family.

This ferocious creature will lie dormant within us mothers for a time, only to come roaring to the surface with claws unsheathed ready to defend her cubs. What unleashes this primal creature in all mothers? For me, she emerges in two situations. Protecting my children from those who would hurt them and protecting the little idiots from themselves.  

I love each of my children. They are not perfect. But they are, pretty amazing humans. So when they are bullied, called names, mocked for being different, treated poorly by someone that claims to love them, passed over for a job they rightly deserved or taken advantage of by unscrupulous people, the savage protector bursts out, swiping and slashing, verbally eviscerating the threats until my thirst for retribution is quenched. Yes, she can become a little unhinged.

Last week I was scrolling through channels and came upon an animal show about bears in the wild. The mother bear was sitting in a meadow diligently watching her two small cubs play and wrestle around her. One of the cubs wandered away and fell into a hole and couldn’t get out. He cried for his mama until she went over to the hole, pulled him out and set him back with his sibling. A few moments later, the cub did it again and mama rescued him once more. The third time the cub headed towards the hole, the mama bear swiped out with her big paw, knocking her little cub ass-over-tea kettle. Once the tumbling stopped, the cub sat up, shook its head, obediently waddled back to mama bears side and resumed wrestling with his sibling. Never venturing near the hole again.

As I said before, my children are amazing. But there are times, when their ability to be total idiots astounds me. This too will awaken the feral savage that needs to protect them from the most daunting of foes, themselves. There have been many times as a parent, when I have been like that mama bear, rescuing my wayward cubs time and time again only to reach my limit and knock the stubborn little idiots’ ass-over-tea kettle in the hope good sense returns once again. Sometimes it works, but sometimes, it does not. When it doesn’t, the fierce protector in me is forced into hibernation and life is allowed to teach the tough lessons. This is never easy for my mother bear. It goes against her primal instincts to protect. But it must be done even when it hurts.

These savage, fiercely protective creatures, the mother bears lie within all women. For that I am grateful. This makes us great warriors and fierce protectors.

Here's to a Healthy and Happy New Year

2016 is all said and done and 2017 is off and running. It’s a time when we all make New Year’s resolutions, keep them for a few weeks or a few months, if you are lucky. Then beat ourselves up for not keeping them and move on claiming that next year I will do better. I have decided that this year there will be no resolutions made, but there will be promises made to myself. Promises hold more importance to me, they are binding. The past several years for me have been tough. At the end of every year I say the same thing, “I am so glad this year is over.” I am tired of feeling like this. I am not asking for a life void of challenges and heartache, because that is how we learn and become stronger women, but I do want to look at life with a different perspective, live my life with a more positive attitude.

This Christmas, the one present my children wanted was the equipment needed to play our Super Nintendo that we have had for years. It was the most inexpensive and appreciated gift of the day. One evening after a very long twelve hour shift, I walked into our family room to see my oldest son and youngest daughter playing a game on the Nintendo. Together. No fighting. I collapsed on the couch to watch this post-Christmas miracle and simply enjoy the moment. Top Gear was the game they were playing. It is a racing game in which you go as fast as you can on the straight part, navigate with skill the curves and jumps and try and stay on the road. You have a gas gage that you must watch as well, making sure that you have enough fuel to finish the race. There are opportunities during the race to stop and refuel if you choose to. I sat and watched as my kids expertly maneuvered through this race. My daughter chose to stop midway through the race and refuel even though it put her behind her brother. My son chose to not stop and refuel because of his need to beat his sister. The last lap they bumped and jockeyed for the lead. My daughter was quiet but confident in her skills, safe in the knowledge that her fuel was full. My son spent his last lap frantically watching his fuel drop closer and closer to the empty line, whoopin and hollerin at his car to just make it to the finish line.  His gamble paid off, he crossed the finish line first, but by the skin of his teeth. My daughter came in a close second, but with more than enough fuel for a victory lap. She may have come in second, but she OWNED that race. My son? That raced owned him.

That game. That race. I thought about it quite a bit the next few days. THAT is how I want this next year to be! I don’t want to just end this coming year crawling and limping over the finish line because I had forgotten to refuel my tank. I want to make damn sure that I make those pit stops and refuel my tank so that I can cross that finish line, take a victory lap or two, and jump up on the hood of that car and confidently proclaim, “I OWNED THIS YEAR!”

I know saying this is easy, it’s the doing it that I know will be challenging. I am guilty of not taking the time to refuel my mind, my heart, my body and my soul. This year will be different. I have promised myself that every single day I will refuel these important parts of what makes me who I am and will give me the ability to help care for my family and friends. I will exercise my body so that I am around for many more years. I will read more, challenge myself to write, create, and be confident enough to share what I am passionate about. I will nourish my faith and my spirit. I will nurture and grow those friendships that are important to me. This year, I will chose me.

What it all comes down to is this, 2017 will have more fun. More adventures. More sleep. More laughter. Less negativity. Less stress. More creating. More love.

I’m ready. Are you?